Where Is Ko ? Twit For Twat

Twitter is one of those overused, misused and abused applications where anyone has an outlet to spill their most random of thoughts into cyberspace, which then goes into the pockets of people with twitter apps on their smartphones. I constantly question whether I really want to know what the local shop keeper looks like or whether the tiles behind the toilet at work are so urine stained that there’s a rancid stench every time you go to change your tampon.

Twitter is for the self-absorbed, the people who crave attention in every aspect of their lives, people who always need confirmation or a ‘thumbs’ up for every part of their existence. These are the annoying buggers who used to send letter upon letter of competition entries just to get a blue peter badge. These sick twisted twuckers who sit in your presence at a soiree and tell the whole world exactly who is at the party and what is happening. Why must you do that? Its not like anyone wants to know, or follows you to find out.

Twitter’s for the ordinary folk with no one to talk to, real people not cyber starlets and twicks, the people who want to be recognised, the stupid buggers who are timid in real life but forge a whole new identity in front of a screen and a keypad. These are the annoying fuckers who think I want to read a timeline full of…

I’m in selfridges buying clothes.

I just saw Cheryl Cole in Chicken Cottage.

What shall I have on my kebab, lettace or onions?

What the person would of told you if they had more than 140 characters is that they are, who we who work part time in retail call, ‘Rackers’. These are the vermin of shoppers, they enter the store and rather than go through the full price items they head straight for the offer racks. These buggers refuse to pay for full price items, they’ll buy a pile of shit or a dress made of bin bags if it had a big red tag with sale on it. The rodents with the cheapest, sweated out, twelve month old weave, whose life had expired twenty-four giro cheques ago. The one’s who get dressed up like they’re going to the Royal Gala, just to take a new profile picture. These people disgust me because they’re the same people who take social networking way too personally. They’ll crucify you if you dare to unfollow them, seriously. These are the same twits who if they spot someone has unfollowed them, they have to mention it with a…

I just lost one follower. Twuck whoever it was because I don’t care bla bla bla…

The funniest thing is that we all know you give a twuck because you wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise. When I lose followers I don’t mind because 99.9% of my followers aren’t even people, they’re either market researchers or people who follow nine hundred other people, and have two following them. I’m baffled as to why you would want to follow nine hundred people all talking self indulgent nonsense, but hey, each to their own I guess.

I think that a lot of twits don’t understand that if I unfollow them, it’s not personal, I just think you tweet a lot of shit, a lot of which pollutes my timeline and makes me want to grab your face through my berry, and slap you a few times. Seriously, I unfollow and follow a few tweople for exactly this reason, I find them totally annoying, and a majority of these tweoples live in tweetland. They’ll be the first in and the last out. You can guarantee whichever time you enter and exit, they’ll still be there. I often wonder if some of these people actually have a life outside of their smartphone.

How do they get things done?

They must have great multitasking skills, how the twuck has she mastered the art of changing a nappy whilst tweeting, how the twuck did he get fired for tweeting on the twucking till? It really eludes me how they tweet twenty-four twucking hours a day and wonder why they’re always broke. Let’s be real for a second, how many of us really give two twucks for what the tweople we follow really tweet, why the twuck do we even follow them? It’s not like I or anyone else wants to know how long you were stranded in a public toilet because there was no toilet paper, or see pictures of your Nando’s table, or even a picture of an empty bottle of alcohol. Anyone can pick up an empty champagne bottle from a table and pose for a ‘I can barely see your dry ass face’ picture, and anyone can ‘borrow’ a bottle of brandy from their grans alcohol cabinet to take the ever so contrived ‘spliff and drink’ snap, why do you think I want to see this?

If I unfollow you it’s because your boring or the fact that you tweet too much bulltwit that I don’t need to be reading, it’s nothing personal. The annoying thing is, there are people who are audacious enough to say something because, let’s be honest, they actually really care if someone they’ve never met in their sad, pathetic, lives unfollows them. Here’s an example of an unfollowing incident where I felt obliged to refollow someone just because they watch their numbers closely and happened to notice someone unfollowed them.

The funny thing is she actually failed to detect any form of sarcasm in my reply as an indicator to how pathetic the whole thing was. Is it just me or is this whole thing rather trivial? I am puzzled how the twuck she knew it was me, she must of checked her whole fucking list of followers. It’s pathetic when I think about it but twitter must be her twucking life, seriously. In all honesty, I think she gets paid to tweet, either that or ermmm she cares a bit toooooo much. This segment of what I am writing is in no way a means to single someone out and poke fun at them, it’s a means to prove that I am not exaggerating.

Most of my friends have never heard of twitter. If they knew that people actually broadcast other peoples where abouts and what is happening, they’d classify that as snitching. I’m being serious when I say this, a lot of my people would see no point in using twitter to that degree or even at all. I hardly see the point of twitter unless I’m broadcasting a new blog entry. My point is that there are some people who use it religiously, to the degree that they manage to break down their every action in 140 characters. Rather than socialise physically or verbally, they opt to broadcast all their actions to a network of random people, some of whom my be dodgy as twuck or an undesirable member who wouldn’t normally be in your social circle. I’m never one to post photos of myself on the web, to a network of people that I don’t know for the reason that I wouldn’t want an awkward encounter. There are plenty of times where I’ve spotted twits out in public but I say nothing, for the simple fact that I have no desire in knowing them or for them to exploit my whereabouts for the sake of having something important to say.

Tweople would exploit the death of their own gran to get more replies and retweets.

Some of these twuckers are ridiculous, my timeline has become plagued, it’s like some sort of annoying minute to minute diary of their lives. You always get the people who really have nothing to say, the twarse licking understudies, and then the call and response twits. The twits with nothing to say usually tweet a bunch of random nonsense or settle for retweeting other people, the twarse licking understudies always reply to the popular tweeter and retweet everything they say as if their every tweet were the gospel, and finally the call and response is usually the biggest twat of em all. The call and response chief is the twit who started from the bottom and slowly rose to the top. This twat put in tweet after tweet, follow after follow until they finally began to gain notoriety from the celebs, when I say celebs I mean the local grime mc who no one overseas has ever heard of, who tweets while selling weed on a push bike. The call and response twats no longer care about how many followers they have, even if its a mere 500 followers, because it’s the biggest achievement they’ve ever gained, for them it’s acceptance in a world where no one ever takes em seriously.

There are so many tweeters who actually twiss me off, and a whole lot more I find condescendingly humorous. An example of the latter is Rev Run, I don’t know whether it’s the fact that he is a multi-millionaire reverend, or the fact that every time I read a tweet I can hear his annoying voice, whilst see a picture of his mahoosive bald head pointing a finger like some black uncle sam providing the patronizing ‘holier than thou’ commentary. He’s just one of those characters that you love to dislike, simply because he just made me write the longest sentence dedicated to his bald ugly head and condescending tone. The ones who twiss me off are the twats who always fish for a reply, and the artists forcing everyone to buy their single, just so they can hit the charts. They disguise this under the ‘support me’ cloak, but in reality they’re trying to earn money. I find it funny how some artists are quick to lick anothers twarse, whether via retweet or by bigging them up in general. I mean where’s the integrity, the pride, what’s up with all the daisy chain twit?

Croydon rapper/producer/singer/DJ/etc-twucking-rarara Goldielocks said it best when she tweeted:

I think it’s a spot on observation from Goldielocks, who also tweeted a few more things that I’ve favorited for another blog of the popular music kind.

As you can tell, this article is not for the faint hearted, nor am I innocent of everything I’ve brought to light, I simply wanted to bring to light all which I had observed. Whether or not anything applies to you or not, I’m confident that you had a hoot reading, especially if the cap managed to fit your mahooosive head.

Peace and Love

www.WhereIsKO.com

Disclaimer: The views of WhereIsKO do not reflect the wider views of FWD360, even if some team members secretly agree at some depth beneath the surface. I am a freelance writer who they have they employed entirely for my own cold, dry, dark, sarcastic, shocking, lighthearted and often exaggerated perspective. If you have any qualms contact: www.WhereIsKO.com