Where Is Ko ? Twit For Twat

Twitter is one of those overused, misused and abused applications where anyone has an outlet to spill their most random of thoughts into cyberspace, which then goes into the pockets of people with twitter apps on their smartphones. I constantly question whether I really want to know what the local shop keeper looks like or whether the tiles behind the toilet at work are so urine stained that there’s a rancid stench every time you go to change your tampon.

Twitter is for the self-absorbed, the people who crave attention in every aspect of their lives, people who always need confirmation or a ‘thumbs’ up for every part of their existence. These are the annoying buggers who used to send letter upon letter of competition entries just to get a blue peter badge. These sick twisted twuckers who sit in your presence at a soiree and tell the whole world exactly who is at the party and what is happening. Why must you do that? Its not like anyone wants to know, or follows you to find out.

Twitter’s for the ordinary folk with no one to talk to, real people not cyber starlets and twicks, the people who want to be recognised, the stupid buggers who are timid in real life but forge a whole new identity in front of a screen and a keypad. These are the annoying fuckers who think I want to read a timeline full of…

I’m in selfridges buying clothes.

I just saw Cheryl Cole in Chicken Cottage.

What shall I have on my kebab, lettace or onions?

What the person would of told you if they had more than 140 characters is that they are, who we who work part time in retail call, ‘Rackers’. These are the vermin of shoppers, they enter the store and rather than go through the full price items they head straight for the offer racks. These buggers refuse to pay for full price items, they’ll buy a pile of shit or a dress made of bin bags if it had a big red tag with sale on it. The rodents with the cheapest, sweated out, twelve month old weave, whose life had expired twenty-four giro cheques ago. The one’s who get dressed up like they’re going to the Royal Gala, just to take a new profile picture. These people disgust me because they’re the same people who take social networking way too personally. They’ll crucify you if you dare to unfollow them, seriously. These are the same twits who if they spot someone has unfollowed them, they have to mention it with a…

I just lost one follower. Twuck whoever it was because I don’t care bla bla bla…

The funniest thing is that we all know you give a twuck because you wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise. When I lose followers I don’t mind because 99.9% of my followers aren’t even people, they’re either market researchers or people who follow nine hundred other people, and have two following them. I’m baffled as to why you would want to follow nine hundred people all talking self indulgent nonsense, but hey, each to their own I guess.

I think that a lot of twits don’t understand that if I unfollow them, it’s not personal, I just think you tweet a lot of shit, a lot of which pollutes my timeline and makes me want to grab your face through my berry, and slap you a few times. Seriously, I unfollow and follow a few tweople for exactly this reason, I find them totally annoying, and a majority of these tweoples live in tweetland. They’ll be the first in and the last out. You can guarantee whichever time you enter and exit, they’ll still be there. I often wonder if some of these people actually have a life outside of their smartphone.

How do they get things done?

They must have great multitasking skills, how the twuck has she mastered the art of changing a nappy whilst tweeting, how the twuck did he get fired for tweeting on the twucking till? It really eludes me how they tweet twenty-four twucking hours a day and wonder why they’re always broke. Let’s be real for a second, how many of us really give two twucks for what the tweople we follow really tweet, why the twuck do we even follow them? It’s not like I or anyone else wants to know how long you were stranded in a public toilet because there was no toilet paper, or see pictures of your Nando’s table, or even a picture of an empty bottle of alcohol. Anyone can pick up an empty champagne bottle from a table and pose for a ‘I can barely see your dry ass face’ picture, and anyone can ‘borrow’ a bottle of brandy from their grans alcohol cabinet to take the ever so contrived ‘spliff and drink’ snap, why do you think I want to see this?

If I unfollow you it’s because your boring or the fact that you tweet too much bulltwit that I don’t need to be reading, it’s nothing personal. The annoying thing is, there are people who are audacious enough to say something because, let’s be honest, they actually really care if someone they’ve never met in their sad, pathetic, lives unfollows them. Here’s an example of an unfollowing incident where I felt obliged to refollow someone just because they watch their numbers closely and happened to notice someone unfollowed them.

The funny thing is she actually failed to detect any form of sarcasm in my reply as an indicator to how pathetic the whole thing was. Is it just me or is this whole thing rather trivial? I am puzzled how the twuck she knew it was me, she must of checked her whole fucking list of followers. It’s pathetic when I think about it but twitter must be her twucking life, seriously. In all honesty, I think she gets paid to tweet, either that or ermmm she cares a bit toooooo much. This segment of what I am writing is in no way a means to single someone out and poke fun at them, it’s a means to prove that I am not exaggerating.

Most of my friends have never heard of twitter. If they knew that people actually broadcast other peoples where abouts and what is happening, they’d classify that as snitching. I’m being serious when I say this, a lot of my people would see no point in using twitter to that degree or even at all. I hardly see the point of twitter unless I’m broadcasting a new blog entry. My point is that there are some people who use it religiously, to the degree that they manage to break down their every action in 140 characters. Rather than socialise physically or verbally, they opt to broadcast all their actions to a network of random people, some of whom my be dodgy as twuck or an undesirable member who wouldn’t normally be in your social circle. I’m never one to post photos of myself on the web, to a network of people that I don’t know for the reason that I wouldn’t want an awkward encounter. There are plenty of times where I’ve spotted twits out in public but I say nothing, for the simple fact that I have no desire in knowing them or for them to exploit my whereabouts for the sake of having something important to say.

Tweople would exploit the death of their own gran to get more replies and retweets.

Some of these twuckers are ridiculous, my timeline has become plagued, it’s like some sort of annoying minute to minute diary of their lives. You always get the people who really have nothing to say, the twarse licking understudies, and then the call and response twits. The twits with nothing to say usually tweet a bunch of random nonsense or settle for retweeting other people, the twarse licking understudies always reply to the popular tweeter and retweet everything they say as if their every tweet were the gospel, and finally the call and response is usually the biggest twat of em all. The call and response chief is the twit who started from the bottom and slowly rose to the top. This twat put in tweet after tweet, follow after follow until they finally began to gain notoriety from the celebs, when I say celebs I mean the local grime mc who no one overseas has ever heard of, who tweets while selling weed on a push bike. The call and response twats no longer care about how many followers they have, even if its a mere 500 followers, because it’s the biggest achievement they’ve ever gained, for them it’s acceptance in a world where no one ever takes em seriously.

There are so many tweeters who actually twiss me off, and a whole lot more I find condescendingly humorous. An example of the latter is Rev Run, I don’t know whether it’s the fact that he is a multi-millionaire reverend, or the fact that every time I read a tweet I can hear his annoying voice, whilst see a picture of his mahoosive bald head pointing a finger like some black uncle sam providing the patronizing ‘holier than thou’ commentary. He’s just one of those characters that you love to dislike, simply because he just made me write the longest sentence dedicated to his bald ugly head and condescending tone. The ones who twiss me off are the twats who always fish for a reply, and the artists forcing everyone to buy their single, just so they can hit the charts. They disguise this under the ‘support me’ cloak, but in reality they’re trying to earn money. I find it funny how some artists are quick to lick anothers twarse, whether via retweet or by bigging them up in general. I mean where’s the integrity, the pride, what’s up with all the daisy chain twit?

Croydon rapper/producer/singer/DJ/etc-twucking-rarara Goldielocks said it best when she tweeted:

I think it’s a spot on observation from Goldielocks, who also tweeted a few more things that I’ve favorited for another blog of the popular music kind.

As you can tell, this article is not for the faint hearted, nor am I innocent of everything I’ve brought to light, I simply wanted to bring to light all which I had observed. Whether or not anything applies to you or not, I’m confident that you had a hoot reading, especially if the cap managed to fit your mahooosive head.

Peace and Love

www.WhereIsKO.com

Disclaimer: The views of WhereIsKO do not reflect the wider views of FWD360, even if some team members secretly agree at some depth beneath the surface. I am a freelance writer who they have they employed entirely for my own cold, dry, dark, sarcastic, shocking, lighthearted and often exaggerated perspective. If you have any qualms contact: www.WhereIsKO.com

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Where is KO ? Face-Flu (The curse of Facebook)

What happened to good old-fashioned social interaction?

What happened to good old fashioned social interaction?

Do you remember when the only medium for social interaction was the spoken word?

Do you remember when people used to actually talk to each other face to face and go on dates in order to get to know one another?

Do you remember the days when only guys like me would get the girls and the guy with the snotty nose would be left out when the girl I ‘chirpsed’ in Trocadero a few weeks prior to the linkup brought all her friends to the estate to smoke spliffs and drink vodka?

Those were the good ol’ days where being yourself got you girls on tap and for the snotty nose picky head kids who always tried to emulate my ‘batch’, getting females was a distant dream.

Nowadays it seems all this new technology has made it possible for everyone and their nan to forge identities in cyberspace in order to escape their arid social life. There’s myspace superstars who have more myspace plays, friends and views than Tinchy Stryder but somehow no one has heard of them and if they released a single tomorrow, it wouldn’t sell more than three copies (mum+dad+nan=3 copies). Why? Because these punks forge all their plays and views by joining like minded cyber addicts doing exactly the same thing, searching for acceptance in the world of user generated content by joining trains and play generators which ultimately result in them lying to themselves, narcissistic indeed. Ridiculous to say the least I don’t know how some have the time nor patience to partake in such mundane activity, I personally don’t think spending in excess of twenty four hours on myspace just to get views and add random people healthy nor constructive. How’d you expect to catch a meal when you cast your net into a sea of like minded fishermen casting their net in the same area of sea? You’ll just end up catching nets of people selling to you rather than consumers. Why not venture into unchartered waters in order to find rare and undiscovered species which require you to employ new methods to catch a meal?

There are so many ways to become noticed and almost all involve getting the fuck outta your dark dungeon.

It seems like since the advent of telephones, which eventually gave birth to the mobile telephones and sms text messages, which lead to smartphones such as Blackberry Curves, BBM, mobile internet and email, which lead to social networking apps on mobile phones.., and so forth, everyone has become much more accessible. It’s a scary thought to know that if she can’t get me on the phone, she’ll text, if she can’t get me on the text, there’s BBM, if there’s no reply on BBM, there’s MSN (who in their right mind over the age of 16 uses MSN anyway?), no MSN, she’ll email, no email, she’ll poke me on facebook (the intrusive travesty that is the online home of everyone and their nan. Even the roodbwoys from ‘the ends’ are on there doing the ‘gangsta’ pose in their profile pics), she tweets and finally… If all else fails she may call the Skype. I mean with all this new found accessibility it’s hard to keep a low profile and stay out of the loop. There’s always someone who knows someone who knows you and if you happen to be on a site like facebook, especially if you get tagged in a picture with someone who everyone knows, you’ll have ten million friend requests within the hour from friends of friends of associates to the people who nod to you and you wonder where you know them from. It all gets a bit much to accept these people you hardly know, let alone add them out of obligation for being audacious enough to request you.

When does it all end?

It doesn’t! You either ignore these people and let them linger in the pending requests inbox, decline their request and continue to do so for eternity in the hope that they get the message or you can just accept these random requests and have millions of people snooping through your information, pictures and friends list adding all the people with nice profile pictures with total disregard for the consequences when the next friends list request victim questions you as to why the ex con whose only claim to fame is having his face on the front page of the Metro a few years ago is adding them. How are you going to explain to them that you added a bunch of random goons that you avoid in every social situation due to their volatile, marijuana and alcohol induced behaviour who all have no courtesy for the unwritten rules of social networking, which clearly state:

Don’t add me if you don’t know me.

I like a lot of others find sites like facebook intrusive. Yes I do post the odd comment and status here and there but some of ya’ll muthafkrs piss me off to the point I feel like deleting you.

*ok so cyberspace is parallel to the world outside xt/html as people take everything personal as everything is based and drawn up using emotive and connective language such as friend, like, love, connect, share, post, join*

People seem to trip over the slightest bullshit i.e it’s a crime to tell someone not to spam your page. These punks don’t understand that I don’t want to go to that shit rave where everyone acts as if they’re rich but in reality their student loan just got paid into their account. Tell me how she’s gonna survive when she spent her rent and food money on a new designer weave which is so technologically advanced that it can even mop your floor and be put in the washing machine or dry cleaned, an over expensive nail job with nails so long that she struggles to use the tiny keys on her blackberry let alone scratch her weave when it’sd itching because she’ll either scratch that foreign object off of her head or scratch it out of place, a designer handbag and an outfit that she got on her weekly, I really don’t need no clothes but I think I’m rich, Primark binge that have seen her amass a collection which includes every Atmosphere top in every colorway since early 2005.

If it ain’t raves or the spamming shitters promoting some sort of fuckry, it’s people inviting you to play some stupid game. Why the fuck would I want to play a game on facebook?! WTF!? This site ain’t my fucking life for me to spend all day playing some stupid game or doing fucked up quizzes. I mean wtf!? I wonder if you muthafuckers sit on your pc *I’m Mac btw* glued to facebook. Are you lot fucking junkies!? Loooool

The other annoying thing is group and fan pages. I get so many of the dry requests on a daily and since I get these straight to my bberry inbox it fuckin annoys the fuck outta me. The amount I decline on a daily to end up with 50 more re requests. Sometimes I wonder whether ya’ll be so ignorant as to not get the fucking message, my phone pops off and I be thinking it’s a girl and it’s one of your dumb requests. Oh and for the record don’t send me anything in the name of a cause, I don’t want to be depressed reading about starving lil shits in a third world sweatshop, an outbreak of mad cow disease in some third world slum and certainly not anything to do with this:

Let’s sack these social workers because they failed to spot the key signs because the offenders done a bloody good job of covering their tracks.

It’s a waste of my time and yours. I’m sure four people in a group is likely to raise enough awareness for more to be done so keep your lil depressing causes to yourself. Just because you got sucked in by the news, it don’t mean I need to be manipulated in a passive form so fuck off.

Aside from all the bullshit, facebook is quite alright. There’s always the odd encounter with people from your friends list you haven’t seen in years who you happen to bump into in the most random of circumstances. When this happens I always wonder what I’ve done for god to punish me like this. It’s not that I don’t like some of these people but the five minutes of loose, gap ridden small talk feels like a gruesome five hour encounter with an estranged aunt I ain’t seen in years. I’m not one to front and act interested but I do engage in pleasentries now and again but as for exchanging contact details, it’s a no no. I hardly answer my phone or reply to telephone messages as it is, why am I going to allow another person to bug me when they already could be lurking on facebook. Weird. Let’s face it, out of two hundred friends, I only speak to ten, not including family (I hardly have any family on there. What’s the point of having em in my list. I don’t want my estranged siblins, aunts and whoever else facebook has spread to see pics of me on the razz with my mates getting up to all sorts. Imagine a family reunion with my aunt sayin something like “I see you with all the alcohol and the semi naked girls, I hope you wore protection.” How embarrassing).

If truth be told, I don’t like nor dislike facebook, I simply use it to connect with my friends and share stories. I don’t post ridiculous amounts of pics because I never carry a camera or having anything to show one hundred and ninety people I hardly say a word to. The funniest part of the whole experience is being surprised in a tagged photo that you approved whilst you were out on a tequila fuelled night on the tiles, that’s what I call a stitch up and something to laugh, share and post comments about.

Peace and Love
KO

PS
I have a facebook group for you all to join but on the basis that I don’t know you, don’t be audacious enough to add me.

Disclaimer: The views of WhereIsKO do not reflect the wider views of FWD360, even if some team members secretly agree at some depth beneath the surface. I am a freelance writer who they have they employed entirely for my own cold, dry, dark, sarcastic, shocking, lighthearted and often exaggerated perspective. If you have any qualms contact: www.WhereIsKO.com

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